In September 2012 I decided that I needed to finally kick my eating disorder - every last shadow of it. Although I was going about my normal life it still influenced me on a daily basis and enough was enough. I needed to learn how to nourish my body and how to make it strong, but at the same time know that my weight wouldn't spiral out of control. I went to the gym and signed up with a Personal Trainer.
In my initial consultation I explained my situation very honestly. I was told I'd need to eat meat to put on some muscle mass, and put butter on my vegetables. I'd been 'vegetarian' for four years, purely because of my ED. I went home and decided I'd never be speaking to that particular moron again, his demands were impossible.
Two days later I found myself in my first session with him. I had decided to commit 100% to his nutrition and training plans. No personal trainer aims to make their client fat, so I convinced myself it was safe. I needed to take a leap of faith to recover, so I threw myself in at the deep end (and had chicken for dinner that very night with only a teeny tantrum).
Two and a half years later, weight lifting has become a huge part of my life. I'm very aware that this is still a way of controlling my body and my food, but it is entirely different to the control exerted by anorexia and bulimia. At first perhaps, there wasn't too much difference. I used my excessive willpower and control-freak tendencies and applied them to my gym regime, but as that regime has become an established part of my life I've relaxed. I eat clean for six days of the week, but anyone who gets in between me and my treats on day seven doesn't know what's good for them. If there's a particularly delicious treat floating around I'll eat it even if it's not cheat day. I am now in control of my food choices, rather than them controlling me.
It hasn't always been plain sailing. I still find it difficult to be weighed by somebody else. Analysing my body fat can still send me wobbly for a few hours if the result isn't what I want, but it used to be days. It took a while to get used to a curvier and more muscular appearance, but now you couldn't pay me to go back. Once I nearly relapsed when someone told me my bum was massive, now I'm proud that my massive bum has been voted the best in the gym ; ).
Going to the gym gave me a new focus. Rather than trying to drive the number further down the scales, I am trying to push the weight on my lifts up. Rather than spending all day crying over calories, I spend all day living my life. I relish the time I spend in the gym but it's not the be all and end all. I am healthy and I am happy and I am strong. It couldn't be a stronger contrast to my life with an eating disorder.
Tiffany x
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